My dad dancing with a bunch of women during a wedding reception over this past Father's Day weekend.
I’d like to take a break from all the fun parties and downtown happenings to share with you some information about my family in the hopes it can help you if you are facing a similar situation.
My father, James D. Moxley, Sr., will turn 79 next month. Dad, who is twice a widower, until about a year ago lived alone on a farm in Salem, Alabama. He was very active in his church and in the Masons, attending events at the Masonic Lodge several times a week and socializing with a wide set of friends. Even though he had some health issues, he was under regular doctor’s care and, basically life was good.
Then he had a series of mini-stokes, including two that caused black-outs and one that left him bleeding on his kitchen floor until he regained consciousness and called for help.
Unfortunately, doctors said it was no longer safe for him to drive or live alone. Dad reluctantly agreed to move to Foley, Alabama (near Gulf Shores) and live with my brother, Jimmy, and Jimmy’s wife, Tess, who is an emergency room nurse. We thought this arrangement would be good because Dad also would have great contact with his only two grandchildren, Jimmy’s two sons who are in their 20s and also live there. Because Jimmy has his own business, a custom cabinet shop, and Tess also works full-time, we hired sitters to stay with Dad during those times when Jimmy and Tess were at work.
Things did not go as planned.
Dad and Tess this past Father's Day weekend.
Dad was miserable. With Jimmy and Tess gone all day, he was bored. He felt trapped and he became angry. He wanted to go back home. He resented not being able to drive. He fought with his sitters, whom he referred to as “babysitters,” and he was, in general, what is known as “non-compliant.” That means he refused to follow doctor’s orders. He wouldn’t use his walker, he wouldn’t take his medicines or follow the diet guidelines he was given for his diabetes, high blood pressure and other ailments. He was just generally exhibiting bad and dangerous behavior. With a bad attitude, to boot!
Jimmy and Tess also were in hell. They were frustrated and angry with Dad and then felt guilty for those feelings. They were constantly stressed out. They had no privacy and had to deal with Dad challenging them on every little thing. I was on the phone with them all the time trying to offer moral support and feeling pretty guilty myself that they were having to handle such a big burden. When I talked to Dad on the phone and asked how he was, he said he felt like a prisoner. He’d say something like, “I’m alive. That’s all.”
Clearly, this was an awful experience for everyone.
Then I had a idea. My friend (and client) Carolyn Pointer Neil had just started a business called Elder Advocates. Carolyn, who is a registered nurse and licensed nursing home administrator, has a great affinity for the elderly and a vast knowledge both of their needs and of the current health care environment. She was formerly in charge of the University of Tennessee Medical Center’s home health care operation and was the administrator of Hillcrest, the largest nursing home system in East Tennessee.
Carolyn Pointer Neil
In her new business, she is a consultant to families trying to determine the best course of action for dealing with an elderly relative.
I hired her. She flew down to Foley to interview my father, Jimmy and Tess and to evaluate what options were available down there.
When she got back to Knoxville, we went to Chesapeake’s for a drink and she had a simple question for me.
“Cynthia, what was your dad’s life like before he went to live with your brother?” I told her about the farm and the Masons and the many friends and activities.
“So,” she said, “he was a very social person?” Yes, I said.
“And what do you think his life is like living with your brother?” she asked. “Well, I guess he watches a lot of television,” I said.
There was a silence for a minute before she looked me in the eye and said, “Did it ever occur to you that your dad might LIKE to be in an assisted living center?” I answered honestly: No.
But it was an ah-ha moment. Carolyn gave us a written report outlining her recommendation that Dad move to an assisted living center. Jimmy, Tess and I were astonished by Dad’s reaction. He LOVED the idea! Carolyn also recommended three assisted living facilities in the Foley area that might be suitable for my father. She said Jimmy and Tess should take Dad to visit each one, being sure to meet the administrator of each and to have lunch so they could see what the food was like. She gave us a check-list to use to evaluate the different options.
Dad was very impatient. I had planned to go down there to help with this process, but Dad wouldn’t wait even a week. He wanted to go immediately to look at the choices. Jimmy and Tess took him to the first one and he loved it. He said he didn’t need to see any others. This was the one for him.
Alan feeds the geese and ducks during our recent visit to Live Oak Village.
Dad now lives at Live Oak Village. His suite on the ground floor has a bedroom, living room and large handicapped-equipped bathroom. He has a porch, for which we all chipped in and bought nice furniture, as a Father’s Day gift. There is a lake stocked for fishing, geese and ducks to feed, an exercise room, a lovely gazebo, walking trails and all kinds of scheduled activities. Someone administers his medicine and assists him with anything he needs. He gets three meals a day and has access to snacks between meals.
And, get this. It’s less expensive than paying all those sitters at Jimmy’s house! Talk about a win-win. Live Oak is 15 minutes from my brother’s house and five minutes from the hospital where Tess works, so Jimmy and Tess are able to drop in on Dad all the time. On weekends, they pick him up and take him to their get-away house on a nearby river or to another activity in which the family may be involved.
Dad is much happier. When I talk to him on the phone, he’s alert and conversational. He’s taking yoga, going to church services in the on-site chapel, and going on outings. He recently went with a group to see the Naval Aviation Museum in Pensacola.
We could never have imagined that Dad would be happier in an assisted living center than at Jimmy’s house. It just never occurred to us as an option. But Carolyn, with her training, her experience and her empathy, could see it right away.
I’m sharing this because almost everyone I know has aging parents or other relatives. It was a life-saver to my brother, sister-in-law and me to have a trusted, experienced outsider who could dispassionately evaluate the situation and make recommendations. And most important, it has made my father’s life so much happier. I think my friend Carolyn has a great business model. None of us is getting younger and neither are our parents. Each elderly person will face a different set of circumstances and the solutions will, of course, be different for each one. I’m grateful that there now is a resource for us to tap. Click here to go to Elder Advocates’ website.
From left: Jimmy, his son Jimbo, Tess, Dad, Tess's daughter Tabatha Mallette and her husband Jason on this past Father's Day weekend. This was just a few weeks after Dad moved into Live Oak Village.
This is Jimmy and Dad on Dad's birthday last year when he visited Knoxville on Boomsday.
Beverly LeMasurier and Dad on board the Volunteer Princess for his birthday party last year. Beverly is one of the owners of the yacht.
Dad goofing off on his 78th birthday last year.
What a happy ending! As you say, the solutions are different for every situation, but the Village in Germantown, TN, the retirement community where Bill’s mother lives has been a very good place for her–she enjoys the company, the activities, and the various kinds of help available, and we have some peace of mind knowing that she is in good hands. Carolyn is providing a very valuable service in assisting families dealing with these issues.
Glad Bill’s mom is in a good place, too. It’s hard to deal with elderly parents from a long distance.
And the individuals all are different. My grandmother, for instance, who lived to be 94, was perfectly happy to live with my brother and sister-in-law — and to visit Knoxville several times a year and stay with us for a month at a time. She actually thrived under that arrangement. That’s part of the reason we were so surprised when it didn’t’ work out the same way with Dad.
It really helps to have a neutral outsider — one with experience and training — to evaluate the situation and make recommendations.
Having worked in the home healthy industry for many years, I can honestly say this is a much needed service! The stress of having to care for an aging parent or family member can really tear a family apart. What an inspiring story!
Mox, thanks for sharing this. As you know, Carolyn was a lifesaver when it came to advising us on how to approach a conversation about my aunt’s future with her. My aunt is in Houston. Carolyn was able to find us someone to help my aunt when needed. Talk about valuable — I’m glad to know that Carolyn is here and available to us on an ongoing basis. We only wish that my aunt was more like your dad and would willingly move to assisted living.
Senior care is such an important issue. Worst is that most seniors find themselves in difficult situations because they helped their children and grandchildren financially when they were tapping much needed resources for their future. It depends on the state one lives in, but a lot of excellent care is unaffordable to most seniors without the help of their children. The worst are seniors who are alone, either because of bad relations of the fact that they outlived all of their close relations. So good to hear good news. And seniors are PEOPLE and individuals. For each one should be a singular plan to suit them, especially in the waning years.
Ellen: That sounds very difficult. At least you know you had professional advice. John: You are so right.
Great story. My wife’s grandparents, Ernie and Inez, moved to assisted living as Ernie’s Alzheimer’s progressed. He passed away shortly after, but the friends Inez made, both before and after his passing, have helped her get through a difficult time. Assisted living was also their perfect situation.
What a great story; thanks for sharing Cynthia. I think what Carolyn does is amazing. At some point most of us will have to go through this process.
Cynthia, thank you for sharing your story. As you point out, every situation is different and it is so important to make sure the person being cared for gets a say. Tom and I have lost all of our parents, with his dad being the last to go. He was the total opposite of your dad, (not social) and his worst nightmare was being around a bunch of people. So, Tom and I took care of him for the past 11 years since Tom’s mother died. It was a privilege and a pleasure to take care of that sweet man. I am like your dad! Please put be in the biggest party place you can find and let me live it up as long as I can!! Maybe I can move in early!
Thanks, Danni. You are right that every person and every situation is different. Even though my grandmother was social, she still liked living with Jimmy and coming to stay with us for extended periods. All my friends in Knoxville made her feel so welcome and she went out with us all the time when she was here. Like you, we felt blessed to have that time with her. Dad’s situation was just different. That’s why I think Carolyn is onto something with Elder Advocates.
Mox – great outcome! We just put mom in assisted living in April – it saved her life. They bring her meds on a regular, scheduled basis and she gets 3 squares a day. Prior to assisted living, she was in the hospital and her system was competely messed up. The outcome for her is that unfortunately, she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s, but is on the medication that delays progression, and is doing really well. She has gained 6 pounds (she’s now a whopping 99 – who got that gene?), she’s participating in activities she would never have considered previously, and, most importantly, she’s extremely happy. And, so are we. Glad you could share your story, and I hope it helps someone else.
Wow, Katie. That’s great that she is more stable. I think getting the right medication on time is key to that — at least it has been for Dad. Good luck for her continued success.
Carolyn is one of the smartest and caring people I have ever known. She is definitely in the right business working with the elderly. I am happy to know her as a friend and colleage in long term care.
Rita Griffin, Administrator
Serene Manor Medical Center
Cynthia, thanks for letting us know about this resource. Gonna need similar help real soon ! My aunt was very happy in assisted living; my parents will NOT be. It stresses us out just to think about it.
Rita: thanks for the comment. I agree! Lynnda: good luck. Keep Carolyn in mind. She knows of many resources and options. Another thing: my dad appreciated the interview process itself. She spent time actually listening to him and asking what HE wanted. That meant a lot to him. And helped so much with the entire process. She got much more out of him than we could. We were too close to the situation.
Cynthia,
Thank you for writing about this difficult subject. My Mother was 89 on August 17. She still drives herself, and lives on her own. We are so happy for her, and glad that she makes a point of taking good care of herself. But I am so glad to know about Carolyn. I have worried about resources, should her health fail, Now know that there is someone who can help. Wish I had known about her at the end of my father’s life! As he was a Dr., can you imagine what kind of patient he was??
Glo
Cynthia, we are going through exactly the same thing with my mom (89) who has lived with my sister in Atlanta for years but suddenly can’t be on her own for long periods. We arrived at the same solution and I hope it works as well for us. I’m ready to move in myself . . . . Thanks for sharing this–it’s a big help!
Sorry to hear that, David. It is very tough. Good luck to you and your family.
Glo: Fingers crossed for you. You are very lucky.
This give an entirely new perspective. Wonderfully written.
Great story, and one that’s very relevent to many of us. Thanks for sharing and glad it is a happy resolution.
Thank you, Heidi and Cindy.
Cynthia
One other observation is the opportunity that we have now, generally unavailable to our parents as an option, for obtaining long-term care insurance. There is some peace of mind in assuring that our children and grandchildren will not face a financial burden in the event that the later years require end of life care.
Thanks for the story. Though my parents have been gone for a while, the prospect that many of our generation face is increasingly a daunting one, in trying to assure quality of life during the later years of our parents.
Great point, Don. Thanks for posting a comment.
Cynthia,
Thank you for sharing the story about your dad. Having Carolyn come to Alabama to evaluate your dad’s desires for his living situation was very helpful. It helped ease the burden on the entire family. We would have never believed dad would want to live in a assissted living facility. He still misses his home, but he is happy to have his independence. He needed to have socialization with people his own age. He is becoming more involved with activities every day. When Jimmy and I pick him up on the weekends he is always eager to return to his “home”.
I would like to commend Carolyn for an excellent job assisting us with our family crisis. Carolyn was honest, compassionate, caring, and professional.
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